A Spectator From the Window

A window is a glimpse into the outside world, a viewing glass from which to see the world without being harmed by the elements. It is a way to see out into the world but never be a part of it. The window is a place of safety but also a place of exclusion. The window protects but also prevents those behind its protection from experiencing community and interaction.

I have grown accustomed to remaining behind its illusion of safety. Behind this protection I’ve learned to be present from afar, watching others and celebrating their triumphs while remaining on the outside, separated by this bit of glass of circumstance and person with the message “you do not belong.” Longing for the gentle warmth of the sun of acceptance and the warmth of the breeze of community, the window stands as a reminder of a world values performance of the temporal rather than depth and heart.

Most of my life has been spent on the outside looking in. Throughout middle school and high school, there was a desire to belong, and yet there was this barrier between me and others. No matter how much I tried to fit in or make connections I could not get past the wall that separated us. I was driven to find connection and yet no connection could I find.

Ideas drifted in and out of my mind of what I could do to "make myself better." I could be the clown and try to make other people laugh. I could try to downplay my weaknesses; pretend they did not affect my daily life. Or maybe if I just did more than I was able, maybe that would be enough for me to be invited in. Whatever it was, I tried it, and I was met by a resounding "no."

I was met with the painful reality of my new friend "rejection" and "no" were not going away but were going to become my best and closest friends. When opportunities arrived, giving me hope that I would be invited "in," they were right there reminding me of my place as watcher rather than participant. I resigned myself as a spectator behind the glass of a window, rather than a participant.

For years I have stood behind that window, celebrating from a far and feeling distance. I can celebrate as someone else begins to embark on the adventure God has for them, the beginning of a new relationship/family, a home filled with sons and daughters. I am safe behind the window but long for the day I can join them on the outside.

For years I have stood behind that window, celebrating from a far and feeling distance.

While there is a world that does not behind the window or would prefer not to see those that remain enclosed behind the shroud of glass, there is a God who dares to step foot behind the glass. He does not see one who is regulated to observer. He does not see based on popularity, outward appearance, or worldly standards. God has come to reconcile all people to Himself.

He does not see one who is regulated to observer.

When Jesus arrived on the scene he didn’t come to the ones on the inside. In fact, that’s what got people upset with Him. He continuously went to the “have nots” instead of the “haves.” Questioned by this, Jesus’ response was interesting. He told those concerned with what company He kept that a doctor isn’t needed for the healthy (Matt 9:12). In other words, Jesus didn’t come to hang with the people on the inside, but on the outside.

He came to shatter the glass that separates people from Himself. He desires those who would otherwise be on the outside, find themselves loved and accepted. Because the irony is that while I have seen myself on the outside. So did everyone else. Everyone is behind the glass, gazing into the outside hoping to experience the gentle warmth of the sun of acceptance and the warmth of the breeze of community. And we have a Savior who is willing to step behind the glass and bring us outside. Will we let Him take us outside?

Because the irony is that while I have seen myself on the outside. So did everyone else.

I do not pretend I do not struggle behind the glass. There are things that are still hard for me to celebrate. And yet, I know my God continues to step behind the glass and invites me to walk outside. My God hears my cries. My God chooses to walk beside me in those times when I question or am frustrated. The question is will I let Him.